He just ripped my heart out and tore it to shreds...

Last night as we were getting ready for bed Mr. Bill looked at me with those big brown puppy-dog eyes and said very quietly, "I don't want to be big. I want to not have my birthday anymore so I can be little. You can take my toys back."

I knew what this was about but I played dumb...

I replied, "Why don't you want to be big?"

Mr. Bill shyly answers, "Because I still like my plug. I need it."

I picked up my big guy and hugged him. My heart hurt.

"Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?"

He nods.

He points to the kitchen so I go in and he stops me right where we used to keep his plugs. He sees they are gone and rests his head on my shoulder. He picks up a toy off the counter and I ask, "Will that make you feel better?" He nods and rests his head on my shoulder again.

I carry him to bed toy and all, wanting so bad to go get him a plug (yes I kept them, just in case it became WWI over it). I didn't but I sure wanted too.

I hate when my kids are hurting.

Clean Fun

We have the social worker coming over today to do the homestudy to relicense us to be foster parents. Part of the homestudy is her looking at the house, up close and personal. She even looks in the closets. So yesterday and this morning we spent a good portion of our time cleaning.

The girls just finished their rooms about an hour ago and I haven't seen them since. You know why? They are playing in their rooms. Something they rarely do once they get dirty.

If I could just make them understand how much fun their room could be if they would JUST keep it clean.....

Lesson Learned

I overheard this conversation between Marea and Mr. Bill in the living room today.

Mr. Bill: Marea stop it! Your being naughty!

Marea: (Continues doing whatever it is she isn't supposed to be doing)

Mr. Bill: Marea! You are teaching me to be naughty. You better stop.

Marea: **SILENCE**

Perhaps we have used that line, "You are teaching the little kids to be naughty" a bit much? :)

Plug rerun?

Mr. Bill has successfully ditched his plug (this being said only 6 days into the scenario). He only asked for it once when we were driving to Walmart. I gently reminded him that he didn't have them anymore and he melted down in a typical 2 year-old tantrum both from embarrasment and anger.

He has also developed this new habit of sucking on his lips and it makes a noise similar to someone grinding their teeth. Dr. Phil did say we never lose a habit, we just replace it with something else.

In addition, he has started crawling in our bed EVERY single night again. We just broke that habit a year ago.

Is it too late to give it back? ;)

13! Lucky or unlucky?

Happy Anniversary to us!

Today is our 13th anniversary! It was all so long ago yet not so long ago.....

Looking for a job

That is right, I am now officially a job-seeker.

I saw a sign at JcPenney's yesterday while I was there that they were hiring. I thought, now that is a job I would enjoy until I have to get a "real" job in two years. They were looking for a night and weekend type of person which would be perfect for me. I could go to work when Billy gets home and work weekends.

So I got online last night and started searching. I applied for a couple of jobs so we shall see what comes of it.

Wish me luck!

Do you ever have this sudden URGE to change something, anything?

I have that right now. I want to rearrange, organize, blow up the living room, SOMETHNG!

I just can't figure out what.

I already did the dishes, cleaned the living room and dining room, cleaned my room and started a load of laundry.

I wish I had some paint. Hmmmmmmm.......

or a crowbar.....

Day Two

I am sorry I missed posting yesterday but I was not about to risk it. I stayed in the closet in my room with four pillows tightly clasped over both ears.

What would make me do such a thing you ask?

Well here it is:
The pacifier-fairy (closely related to the tooth fairy) came and took away all of Mr. Bill's pacifiers (or plugs as he so lovingly calls them) in honor of his fourth birthday.

You see, when you turn four, you are tooooo big for pacifiers and so the pacifier fairy comes and takes them to the new babies who now need one. (Or at least this is the bull we have been feeding to our son for the last 3 months.)

He was all okay with this until last night when he went to get a plug out of their usual place only to find nothing but a loving reminder from his mommy that they were all gone.

After much screaming and crying (in MY bed) last night he finally fell asleep. He acheived this by covering his ears with his hands and pushing me away as I tried to rub his back and wipe the tears from my eyes at the same time. All this only for him to wake me at 3 a.m. because he couldn't sleep without his pluggy.

We just finished round two of no plug tonight and Mr. Bill snubbing the woman denying him the thing he wants most. It rips my heart in two. I KNOW he needs to get rid of it. He is way too old to have it anymore but it is his security blanket and his only true love besides his mommy. These things are always so much harder on me than they are on them.

And to top it off, Billy is off at a funeral 8 hours away while I get to deal with the sad screaming newly-turned four-year-old. This was his idea anyway!

Boo hoo.

Happy Birthday to my Big Boy!

I can't believe it has been 4 years since my big guy came into my life.

Happy Birthday to you Mr. Bill!

100 things UPDATED

1. I was born in South Dakota
2. I have never, ever dyed highlighted my hair
3. I have two sisters and one brother
4. I don't like to watch movies
5. I enjoy reading and writing stories
6. I graduated from college with a BS in Family and Consumer Science Education
7. I really like who I have become
8. I have given birth four times, each time drug free
9. We adopted one of our girls
10. We were foster parents for four years and have gotten relicensed now
11. I have never had a job longer than four months unless you count parenting
12. I really enjoy making webpages REALLY REALLY ENJOY IT
13. I have lived in SD, WY, HI, AL, OR, CA, CO in that order
14. I don't have a best friend
15. My parents divorced when I was 12
16. I was in track in middle and high school (until I met Billy)
17. I had sex before age 18 (shhhhhhh!)
18. I married my high school sweetheart
19. I live in a blue house
20. I have seasonal allergies
21. I also have reaccuring PMS
22. When I was a teenager I had menstral cramps so bad I would throw up
23. I imagine what I would spend a million dollars on, but don't play the lottery
24. I am very strong-willed and stubborn
25. I am a Leo (roooooarrrrrrr)
26. I am 5'5
27. I have never been outside of the United States
28. I was eating breakfast when 9-11 hit, my husband called me from work and told me to turn on the news.
29. I am very happy to be in my 30's
30. As a kid, I lied A LOT.
31. I didn't stop until I was in middle school and heard someone else telling a tall tale and realized how dumb she sounded
32. I pride myself on being a good person
33. I try to be the best mom I can be
34. I do 15 30 loads of laundry a week, at least
35. I hate washing crusty black boy socks, ewwwww!
36. I don't care for seafood even though I loved it when we lived in Alaska
37. I have never smoked or drank alcohol, in my entire life
38. I tried being a mormon for about 2 years, I was born Catholic
39. I don't like organized religion
40. I do believe in God
41. I have only been in a car accident once, I slid on some ice and into the ditch. I wasn't hurt
42. I got married when I was 18, he was 17
43. I blog almost daily
44. I keep a hand-written journal as well
45. I am fascinated by life "back-then"
46. I would love to run a museum of life in pioneer days
47. I permed my hair for 12 years, now I leave it straight
48. I used to have terrible, face-scarring acne. Now it is just a zit or two a month
49. I don't own a "wedding set", I just picked out two rings that looked good together
50. I only had one living grandparent when I was born, she died a few years ago
51. I am Norwegian, Swedish, and German
52. I enjoy teaching in a structured and unstructured setting
53. I have been to Mt. Rushmore a zillion times
54. My least favorite chore are is washing dishes
55. I love to do interior decorating, I almost majored in that in college
56. I once played the flute and the clarinet
57. I was in gymnastics as a kid
58. I didn't understand math (i.e. algebra) until college
59. I wear size 7 1/2 shoe
60. My favorite color is blue
61. I get up at 6:30 every morning every morning that my kids have school, definitely a morning person
62. I love hot chocolate
63. I have worked as a waitress, bus girl, video store manager, Taco Bell manager, fast food slave, cook, sunday school teacher, and girl scout leader
64. My ideal job would be CEO to a large company
65. I enjoy doing paperwork
66. I have a lot of confidence in myself
67. I have had the same bank for over 12 years the last 6 months. Can you say bad bad bank?
68. We paid only 15,000 for our house in 2002
69. My middle name is Rebecca
70. I had a 2 cabbage patch kid dolls as a kid, one named Billy and one named Quinn
71. I enjoy doing puzzles (1000 piece +)
72. I really like t.v. that teaches me something
73. I have unbelievably sensitive teeth
74. I puke for the first 14-20 weeks of each of my pregnancies
75. I don't eat much meat
76. I have never been on a diet
77. My nickname is Jod. Only my sister, Vonnie, calls me it.
78. My husband proposed to me by writing it in my highschool year book
79. I have all the letters he ever wrote me
80. We dated for three years before getting married
81. I always wear my seat belt
82. We have four girls and one boy
83. College was a very good time in my life, even without parties
84. I have never been to a drive-in movie (see number 4)
85. I put in a ceramic tile floor by myself, twice
86. I do our taxes every year by myself
87. I have long fingernails
88. I rarely wear necklaces
89. I have been in one wedding, other than my own
90. I am a multitasker
91. Sometimes my mouth can't keep up with my brain
92. I don't care for talk shows, except Dr. Phil
93. I hate despise going to the dentist
94. I would not make a very good slave
95. I exercise almost every morning
96. I don't like to cook
97. I live by a budget
98. I own three four computers
99. I have been on an airplane several times
100. The interior of my house is painted all in earth tones

Feelings, whooooaoaaa feeeeelings.....

Party-Time!

The weekend was crazy! Crazy!

Megan got a pile of loot and loved it all.

Aunt Vonnie came to visit.

And then it was over.

Now we are in recovery.

And the kids are grouchy!

And the best part... Wednesday is Mr. Bill's birthday so we are having his party on Saturday thus we get to do it all over again.

Birthday party

We are gearing up for Megan's birthday on Saturday. She will be nine. The years really do fly.

Happy Birthday to my baby girl!

She is big into anything yellow, musical, and money this year. She has suddenly become an anal saver and is not willing to spend her money on anything. So different from me. She must get it from my brother.

Colors

While we were at the park yesterday Mr. Bill saw a plane fly over us.

"Look Mom! A plane!"

"Yup. There it goes."

"It is black!"

"You think so?"

"Well it is black-ish."

"Really?"

I didn't know he knew such a word. Black-ish must be the new black. LOL

Frustrated

When I was a kid I wanted to grow up to save all the kids in the world. I wanted to adopt and help all those kids who needed a family.

Today I found out four of my relatives were placed in emergency foster care and in 72 hours will be looking for a home if their parents remain in jail.

I want to save them. I am crying, yelling, and pouting. Physically I could handle four more kids. Emotionally I think it would ruin me and my marriage. My plate is full. Can we make room for more?

Why does God let bad parents have kids? Why?

Prejudice

Becca is playing upstairs. I took out the box of barbies, bratz, and my scene dolls.

She comes downstairs 10 minutes after emptying the box (all 50+ dolls) and informs me that she only has ONE my scene doll and she needs more of them.

I inform her that she has plenty of barbies and bratz dolls and I am NOT buying anymore dolls of any kind.

"You can play with bratz and my scene at the same time." I inform her.

"Oh NO YOU CAN'T!" she replies. "Bratz are scary compared to my scene! And barbie's are soooo out Mom."

Rethinking...

I am rethinking this last baby thing....

Maybe having one more wouldn't be so bad? Would it?

It can't be any worse than these pills I am taking. I have been taking the same bcp for over a year now and every SINGLE month I get my period twice. Yup, twice. As if the evil thing is not a menace enough the first go-round. Usually in the middle of the pack is when I get hit by her the second time. Well this month I am only ONE WEEK into the new pack of pills and HELLLLLLOOOOO! she is here again complete with cramping from hell!

I am thinking it would easier to stop taking these dang pills and just hope I don't get pregnant for the next 15 years. (Hoping, ha! Begging, praying, and kissing the fertility god's feet would be more like it.)

I know, go visit the doctor, you are all yelling.

I don't care for stirrups anymore than I care for my period.

Blah!

Oh really?

I called dh today to find out what receipts he had so I could balance our checkbooks and see how much money we don't have.

After writing down all of the amounts I asked him what he is going to do for lunch today. He says, "Well I brought chili but everyone else is going to Guadalajara's..."

Thus leaving a nice dramatic pause where I am supposed to say, "Oh honey you so deserve to go out to eat every day even though I sit here eating leftover hamburger helper and water."

But instead I said, "Didn't you just eat out yesterday?"

And he replies, "Yea, but I figure since I work I deserve it."

"So I don't work then eh?"

And here is where he spoke without thinking.... dumb men!

"No you don't work. You get to be at home where I want to be."

"Um perhaps you would like to rephrase that to 'you don't get paid for all the work you do'?"

From him: uncomfortable laughter

"Oh man are you gonna have a ton of work to do when you get home tonight because I just quit."

More uncomfortable laughter.

There is no saving this conversation. He is screwed.

Prayer Answered?

Yesterday Billy and I were talking about me going to work again. I told him about Jody's post and wondered aloud why that can't happen to us.

He said it has, the post office job.

You see, the older couple who runs our post office in this very small town are starting to have health problems and would really like to retire. I have pondered taking over as postmaster for several months. The downsides to the job are that I would be alone in the post office ALL DAY. No adult interaction unless a customer comes in. The plus side is I have no commute, the post office is just a few blocks from my house and I would be able to watch the kids after school at work until their dad gets home a half hour later. No daycare.

So last night I decided to do what our church always tells us to do: Put it in God's hands. So I said a prayer asking him to let me know what he wanted me to do.

Last night I asked Billy to wake me when he left for work so I could exercise before the kids got up. When he woke me this morning, I was in the middle of dream. As I woke fully my mind was still playing through the events in my dream and in my head I finished the story. That is when I remembered I had a notebook and pen on my dresser so I jumped up and wrote the whole story-line out. By the time I was done with the plot I couldn't wait to get started on the story. 2 hours later the kids are all awake and I have three chapters written.

Do you think I got my answer?

Hallelujah Bloggers Back!

I haven't been able to get in here or to comment on anyone's blog for almost two days. It kept telling me blogger had experienced a technical problem and that their engineers were working on it.

While I was banned from Blogger I re-found an old addiction, The Sims. I used to play The Sims A LOT but have recently been more entertained on the net. While I was waiting for blogger to get fixed I dusted off my various Sims games and installed them. he he he fun!

I will be back tomorrow with something more entertaining, provided blogger doesn't crash again.

Writing is a passion

When I was in 5th grade part of our daily routine at school was to write in our journal. After we finished writing we had to count our words and then the teacher would call on us one at a time to record the number of words we wrote.

It didn't take long for the competitive side of me to rear its ugly head. I began to write quickly and in great length. My hand would cramp up with extreme writers cramp but I would just ignore it and keep on writing. I always had more words than any of my classmates and rejoiced in the oohs and aahs they gave as I said my word total aloud to the teacher.

Day after day this went on. The teacher mentioned something about it to my parents at conference time. Something about how I should focus on content and not the number of words.

After that I was disappointed in myself that I had disappointed my teacher and I began to write meaningful content instead of focusing on getting large quantities of words. It was how my very first novel was born. I began to write about a little troll named Ralph. Ralph lived with a little girl who didn't know he was alive. He pretended to be a toy around her but would sneak around when she was gone.

Just two years later my mom read that story and was vastly impressed with my ability to write. She began searching for ways for me to get my book published. She had me apply to a "school" that would help me get my book published. I filled out the application and included a short story for their review. I got an acceptance letter and soon was on my way to being a published author. That was until they found out I was only 14. Even with parental consent they wouldn't work with me.

I was really depressed. I gave up writing for a time, figuring there was no point. I hung onto my Ralph story for a long time. Then I entered college. My freshman English teacher started the first day of classes by explaining that you would only get an A in her class if she thought your writing was publishable. Otherwise the best you could hope for is a B. The next class the student numbers were down by half. I was undeterred. This was a challenge to write well and in large amounts; two things I am very good at. So I wrote and she graded. She loved my papers and wrote "Let's talk" at the top of many of them. At the end of the semester we met to go over my final paper. She kept telling me I should seriously consider becoming a Young Adult author. I just smiled and left. I finished my college career and became a mom and left writing in the dust.

Until last year.

I have the writing bug again. I love to write and form sentences and just be creative. I have begun several novels and short story collections in the last few years. I am determined to give it my all this time around. Somewhere there is a niche for my books and I am going to find it. And this time they can't tell me I am too young. Too old, maybe, but not too young.

Twice Bitten

We spent all day outside yesterday. We set up the pool for the kids to play in. About 10 minutes after we got it full Marea started screaming. She stepped on a bee and it stung her foot. I gave her some benadryl and motrin and an ice pack.

After 20 minutes Cassie comes running out of the pool and grabs her towel off the chair. She screams and drops her towel. A bee was in her towel and stung her hand. I administered more benadryl and motrin and ice.

We decided to call it a day outside and went in.

Ouch!

Moving closer

Yesterday we took the kids to the park. They had a blast. It is fun to sit and watch my kids from a distance and realize these are MY kids. They are so grown up and yet so small still.

While we were there a woman with three kids came with her dad and they were playing at the park. The grandpa was putting the little boy in the swing and pushing him and watching his granddaughter slide down the slide (you know the cue, "Look Grandpa! Watch ME!")

I turned to Billy and said something I have been thinking for quite awhile. "I wish our kids knew the love of a grandparent. I wish we had parents that wanted to be involved in our kids lives."

You see both of Billy's parents are deceased. His dad in 1997 at the age of 48 (Megan was just 2 months old) and his mom in 2005 at the age of 55. My mom is so wrapped up in her mental illness world that she is not a person I want to be around much less expose young innocent children too. My step-dad lives 8 hours away and so we only see him about once a year if we go out to visit him. And my dad lives about 3 states away so we only see him when there is a wedding or funeral.

It hurts and saddens me to think of what my kids are missing out on.